I Don't Understand

I laugh at the joke I don't even get.

Is this progress or regret?

I whack the flies away from my food, and stare at a list of shit I don't want to do.

I try to wrap my mind around my atheist teacher's explanation of creation, and I feel empty, like my whole world is spinning upside down, abnormal behavior.

Perhaps it's just bitter to realize how unfulfilling your dreams are, living each day under a hell lot of pressure, dodging the molotov cocktail that is a nervous breakdown.

And I'm so mad at myself. 

I set the bar too high I make disappointment inevitable.

It upsets me more that I don't know why, the mystery is maddening.

Please tell me what is happening?

I am somehow in this magical place, yet the discontent I can't erase.

Then it hit me. You don't need to know why. 

You just have to know how to resist.